Wtf do yall really Want?

For real, Ebay f$#@& sucks, there are no serious sales here, only scammers. So I’ve decided to just ask you ebay searchers,  wtf it is you want? I seriously need funds and my antiques don’t sell here,  so I’m so curious what kind of response this ad will bring… obviously perverted responses are what’s expected,  but don’t expect a response from me, creeps. Ask for advice, ask for something original…
For example, Does your life lack people with empathy, people who don’t give a rats @$$ about you & your issues? Can you actually see them waiting for you to stop talking so they can rant about themselves? Patiently watching your lips move but not hearing a word you’ve said, hoping you’ll finish talking so they can share their news? Just waiting for you to shut up. Yeah, it sucks doesn’t it? For me, people have always thought to share their stresses, dramas, and problems with me because I’ve always helped…for free. I’ve been everyone’s free therapist,  open ear, shoulder to cry on…always carrying around others stress, trying to help with issues that have nothing to do with me. I must be a freak of nature, a truly 1 in a 1,000,000 individual that when ask to hear someone out, crazy me, actually does just that and then gives a thought out response. I realize now, getting genuine empathy is rare, even from those closest to you. So, I feel my, “Give a f@$%,  compassionate personality” is something I should monetize. So, if You’ve got 99 problems and need someone to actually listen and give honest input, then what the hell, ask me and I’ll give my full attention to your issue and return my honest perspective. Maybe you don’t know how to deal with a difficult or slow person who just doesn’t get it, or maybe you need to tell someone off professionally & eloquently, all while getting people to agree with your point of view and ultimately do what you want, this is what I’m good at! I’ll analyze your situation and answer all your questions.
Additionally, as a business school grad, I’ll write your research papers so you don’t have to! Prices depend on the amount of project I complete, the difficulty of subject matter, length and amount of time I’ll have to complete.  Please don’t waste my time with bs, this service is meant to be helpful, so all requests must be legit and not ridiculous, hateful, or perverted.